True story

LaNaya Schmoker


“I cannot and will not pretend this site offers a cure for anyone who has suffered after surviving a traumatic event. It doesn’t. What we are about to begin together is not easy; it is not for everyone.”

Parental Rights and the welfare system

It’s the space between us. The solid element that lingers, and under that I can hear its voice, calling me by name. That substance follows me a craving so devour sweet and sour. They say that time heals you. I think they’re liars. The longer I have to, just go, through another day. People call that inner strength; I can, it is simple. You lay down and wake up and still sit with anger, maybe at yourself, a system, a past, a mistake, and you make a stew of everything. Thinking nothing will change. Or some profound hope that still wonders what if? And your cliché to that. If you let go of that grip, we know we get an empty result.

A mother—meaning;

As a mother you give them unconditional support, you believe in your children. You don’t just walk away. We’re defined by choices. I made a million bad choices, but I want my children to know that wasn’t a choice!

“To sign those papers that day, I was pressured and UN-voluntarily forced to sign that paper with false promises in exchange to appear to make a decision and still keep you in my life.” I questioned it from the beginning. I wondered if they would create this distance. Not only that, but I think about you every second and every second in between, and the before. Not only that, but I would do anything to help you, both. These are my thoughts, my heart reaching out to you to know you’ve never missed a beat in my heart. You inspired me to fight this fight. The pain I feel away from you is my hunger. I accepted that I have been through bad circumstances. My present moment is my healing to give this life a new meaning. The best of days is still waiting to be told.”

words spoken by the author;

   The child welfare system has caused many mothers to experience grief and loss of their children. The welfare statistics are alarming. One in three mothers who made contact with the child welfaresystem will lose their child at some point during her life. As a result, birth mothers need moresupport than they are currently receiving from the current system.

This article discusses how the mother’s emotional health is importantfor reunification ortermination of parental rights cases as well as other reasons why this issue needs to beaddressed by policy makers.I’m a birth mother of two girls, which I lost due to the child welfare system. My goaltoday isn’t to share the statistics of which were shown over and over again. Instead it’sto share a solution.

As a birth mother myself, I know the pain of losing my children to
child welfare and it is excruciating. Many women go through this loss and don’t getsupport afterwards. When we lose our children in the system we often feel: “Like how Ifelt like I wanted to die,”” or leaving questioning your worth”” The answer might be that
you weren’t getting any counseling after they took your child or children. It’s also possible that you didn’t know what was actually happening when you were separated from your
child at the time you relinquish your rights.

I was promised to have contact with mygirls. (the terminology frequently used to explain an“”open adoption- legally the state is in control of the adoption process and after you relinquish parental rights you legallyhave no rights to any say of what happens after that.) After a mediation hearing with the parties involved in my case. I later found out none of the paperwork was setthrough the courts. No agreement established between lawyers on adoption nor was information spoken of what I was to due on my part. Nothing as it appeared or was pre-planned out and presented by a caseworker. I did research and asked my prepaidcourt appointed lawyer. Looking back she falsely didn’t represent me nor was informed of my rights as a parent forced into signing paperwork relinquishing my rights.

      The child welfare system in this country causes mothers to grieve their losses. The emotional and mental trauma that occurs when a mother is forcibly separated from her children at the time of relinquishment has been shown to be deeply traumatic. It canalso lead to long-term grieving over the loss of one’s child, which includes having to deal with unresolved grief and sorrow years after the separation took place. Leaving lingering effects and a huge impact on self image, mental and physical health and not to mention a generational effect causing family bonding trauma. It is a never ending process and in turn, you must find other ways to fill the void. When left that emptiness feeling when the separation occurs with their child was taken away.

      A lot of time the system’s case load is full of addicts. That then turns into a bigger addiction crisis.  That then turns into a bigger addiction crisis. If anyone knows anything about addictions“”it’s a bondage to a substance for a feeling of a missing void for a short““ term feeling “because it’s easier for them to take care of others than themselves.  I’m speaking for myself about my personal experience and the way I personally feel. I feel like I’ve had countless conversations with other addicts about this matter and feel like it’s an adequate way to sum up addiction.) This scenario can become one where  addiction only gets worse.  In relation  to the kids who were taken from their parents or family members at some point in time and this starts.  Does this cycle continue to the child? If addiction is often  a family disease are we as a whole preventing or helping a child?  It’s said if the biological parents are addicted their child has a 2\3 higher rate of being an addict themselves, although genes, environment, social environment, and mental health play a part in addiction. My question is are we really preventing addicted parents? Removing children from an environment based on another’s perspective of choices of what’s expected, or they considered okay. Do we really know without physical proof seeing an event played out if that home is really suffering? Or are the expectations and sometimes personal perspective wrong or right? The fact is if you adoptees, adoptive parents, birth parents and anyone involved they will all share one thing in common they felt a discomfort, loss, and pain. 

Many times we forget about generational side effects. We are mother’s, daughters and sisters creating a gap between the roots of our DNA and leaving behind questions with no answer.

The answer here is to end closed adoption, have open contact with adoptees and birth parents and biological families. Avoiding a problem adoption isn’t the fix to the problem.  This often isn’t a happy ending to their stories.

The article discussed the loss of mothers who are grieving the loss of their children to the child welfare system. The article suggests that open adoption is the solution to the loss of children. This is the importance of family ties and it’s bonds, to insure parents and adoptees  a sense of belonging and a new journey to move forward.

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